No More Silence
God's Mercy After Abortion
by Nicole Taylor

My dark secret would eventually find the light of truth-and God's healing, forgiveness, and mercy would carry me through the sting of abortion and its ravaging aftermath.

My childhood was quite dysfunctional. My father was distant, silent, and angry. Because of his job, he was absent from my home for a week at a time, returning home on the weekends. My mother was controlling, shaming, and independent. We didn't attend church weekly or pray together. I was sexually abused at an early age which led to several unhealthy relationships with men. By the age of 15 I had had an abortion.

Over the years I've had to cope with these wounds and the accompanying feelings of inadequacy, shame, anxiety, unworthiness, and distrust.

On the positive side, these experiences have brought me face to face with my God and Savior and His unending mercy and forgiveness. I have forgiven my early offender. Without my faith in Jesus and the Blessed Mother's intercession, I would not be writing this today.

I believe our earthly journey to Our Father is all about Jesus' victory over death and our own victory over sin, which helps us to understand God's infinite love and His mercy for us.

I became pregnant at 15 because I had equated love and sex as synonymous. I didn't know that sex was holy and sacred only in the context of marriage. In my home, chastity and purity were assumed virtues, and so in effect I was left to my own vices. We had little discussion about sexual dos and don'ts. Abstinence was implied, not reinforced.

My boyfriend and I were high school sweethearts and dated several years until our "relationship" ended-typical of "couples" that experience an abortion. We were naïve and never thought it would happen to us.

Priests didn't speak out against abortion or talk of chastity. The message I got was that it was okay. Even so, I knew it was wrong in the depths of my heart. I still continued to go to Mass and receive Communion-I was deep in mortal sin.

Fear led me to have an abortion-it was the single most motivating factor. I didn't see anywhere else to turn and I felt the need to get out of the situation fast! I was a "straight A" student and active in high school activities. I was an all-around good student and athlete. This baby would ruin my life. It didn't fit into my plans. I had a future and it was a bright future! I wanted to go to college and to make something of myself. I couldn't believe this was happening to me! It was surreal.

I didn't know of any alternatives. I had bought into the world's lies: Society's ills will improve without unwanted pregnancies. It's merely a "bunch of cells" or "blob of tissue" and not really a "baby." Just get rid of it. It will only help me. What kind of life could I or we provide for this baby? And if I got "rid of it," there was a better chance that my boyfriend would stay with me. Sure sounds foolish now. How many women use this lie to justify their actions, and then "he" doesn't stay anyway?

My boyfriend and I didn't talk about it much. He left the decision "up to me"-and maybe that left him without feeling guilty or thinking he didn't have to shoulder any of the blame. He didn't have to take any responsibility for his actions.

Abortion prayer warriors may have made a difference if I would have seen someone at the abortion clinic. I was 12-16 weeks pregnant. The clinic was near school-how convenient! Satan always has a way of getting near the most vulnerable. No risks were explained to me: not the risk of death, breast or cervical cancer, infertility or sterility, hemorrhaging, pain, nor the emotional and psychological consequences of this "choice."

I'll never know if a physician aborted my baby. There were no displays of diplomas or awards for his specialty and achievements. The "procedure" didn't take long-it doesn't take long to kill a baby! The physical pain included cramps, worse than with a normal menstrual cycle. I remember the sucking sound of the machine, and my insides felt like they were going to be pulled out. I didn't have any complications, and I was very thankful for that. Other women aren't so fortunate. I took antibiotics for a week to prevent a possible infection. I had no follow-up visit to ensure that everything was okay. They took my money and that's it! There was no parental notification, as is the case in most states today.

The aftermath consisted of denial and relief. I had the abortion on a Saturday and went to my homecoming dance that night. I seemed to have no conception of what I had just done, at least at that time. Actually, I repressed my feelings because the abortion was all too painful for me to deal with. I avoided thinking about abortion and I buried the thought of it.

I later became withdrawn at home, distant, sad, depressed, and eventually experienced thoughts of suicide. I had a tremendous amount of emotional pain I was carrying. I had subsequently lost the relationship with my boyfriend. I lost our child, my virginity, my self-respect, and self-esteem, and I was angry for those heavy losses at such a young age!
The healing process was a long road. After several years of counseling sessions in college, I thought I had "dealt" with the abortion and could move on in life. Well, that was far from the truth! I have learned that God moves along with us in our healing journey according to what we can handle and as far as we are willing to go.

I met a young man in college who later became my husband. We were married in 1984. Sadly, we were sexually involved during our courtship and used contraception to avoid pregnancy. Didn't everyone? Worse still, we lived together! How many more teachings of the Church could I disobey? Our marriage ended in divorce in 1990 and was later annulled.

I found myself dealing with my abortion during the divorce. Obviously, I wasn't healed yet. I had very few friends I could trust with this dark secret. One of the many problems with abortion is that you have to deal with the secret, and it gnaws at you. Satan works with double standards and he preys on secrets. He doesn't like the light of truth. And when you're under that darkness, you don't like the truth either!

It's a long road back to God when you reach rock bottom. I hungered for God, attended Mass often, went to prayer groups, and traveled wherever I needed to go to get as much of God and Jesus as I could. I even started reading the Bible! I had never read the Bible before. I also started praying the Rosary, and the Blessed Mother's intercession brought me back to the Church and to her Son, Jesus.

I earnestly began the healing process. I named my baby "Peter," and I placed him in God's hands and asked for forgiveness. I asked for Peter's forgiveness, too. I cried a lot during that prayer. But it was Confession that healed me and set me free. After receiving the Lord's forgiveness, I also "forgave myself," which was truly the hardest part and took many years. "If you allow me, I will return, for you are the Lord, my God. I turn in repentance; I have come to myself, I strike my breast; I blush with shame, I bear the disgrace of my youth" (Jer. 31:18-19). "I will put my law within them, and I will write it upon their hearts; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people . . . for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more" (Jer. 31:33-34). That's God's awesome forgiveness!

My advice to young teens and single adults is simply to remain chaste and pure, to pray to the Blessed Virgin Mary for your vocation, and for a godly spouse if your vocation is Marriage. Most importantly, pray to end abortion. Become informed and involved. To those considering an abortion, call this phone number: (800)-848-LOVE. Call Priests for Life or a crisis pregnancy center such as CareNet, BirthRight, or Catholic Charities. Call your pastor if you can't go to your parents. Or call a friend, but please call someone. This is a child-your gift from God! It may not "feel" like it right now, but this child will become your gift. Save this new life and save your life! Making a second mistake doesn't erase the first mistake. Please learn from my experience and the emotional pain I have had to bear for the past 20-plus years.

My biggest regret in life is that I killed my own baby. A "choice" I made at a young age still stings today. I'm 39 and single. I may never have children now. Peter would be 24 years old-a young adult, perhaps doing research to cure diseases, cancer, AIDS, or maybe a musician, or even a soldier for Christ. Who knows? God has a plan for each one of us. God will bless you for choosing life!

"Therefore, if any one is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, behold, new has come" (2 Corinthians 5:17).

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